Chuck Norris  Star Warsbased jokes
by FallenHero93
Summary: I'm a big fan of CN jokes. I recently posted some Harry Potter-related ones and so I decided to make some SW-based as well. They feature lost of villains, such as Vader, Palpatine, Tarkin or Jabba. I'll post some more later on! *76 jokes till now!*
1. Chapter 1

Chuck Norris once defeated Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel with a golf club.

When the Emperor doesn't know how to use the Force, he asks Chuck Norris.

What most people don't know is that it wasn't Palpatine to kill Mace Windu. In fact, the Jedi Master threw himself out of the window when he sensed through the Force that Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris won the battle with General Griveous by simply roundhouse kicking all his lightsabers.

Once Darth Vader caught Chuck Norris sending out valuable information for the rebels…Vader was lucky to leave with a warning.

If you force choke Chuck Norris, your throat will ache.

Chuck Norris can blow up the Death Star.

Some Jedi Masters can walk on air…Chuck Norris can fly through land!

Chuck Norris and Darth Vader once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear a life-support outfit for the rest of his life.

Imperial prisons don't keep imperial society safe from criminals. They keep criminals safe from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris graduated from the Imperial Academy at the age of 18. Seconds.

Chuck Norris cuts the lightsaber with a door.

The reason the Katana fleet has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite luxury yachts.

Chuck Norris is the reason the rebels are hiding.

When Tarkin goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


	2. Chapter 2: Chuck Norris Strikes Back

Chuck Norris once got electrocuted by Palpatine. After three hours of pain and agony, the Emperor died.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop Obi Wan Kenobi's assassination. As Darth Vader extended his lightsaber, Chuck Norris deflected the strike with his beard. Kenobi died out of sheer amazement.

Bothawui was once next to Coruscant until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way to its present location.

After much debate, the Imperials decided blow up Alderaan using the Death Star rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris over. It was more "humane".

The Naboo blockade was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Talon Karrde's organisation isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris has never had an deathsticks problem. However, deathsticks have a Chuck Norris problem.

If it looks like a small asteroid, moves like a small asteroid, and has the texture of a small asteroid but Chuck Norris says it's the Death Star, then it's the Death Star.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called chlaustrophobia, fear of Lord Vader is called logic.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Palpatine stories.

Darth Vader sleeps with a pillow under his lightsaber.

There used to be a street named after Jabba the Hutt, but it was changed because nobody crosses Jabba and lives.

Some people say that the most devastating weapon known to the galaxy was the Death Star. Somewhere, Lord Vader is still laughing…

Life in the galaxy is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Tarkin is going to blow up your planet.

Death once had a near-Vader experience.


	3. Chapter 3: Return of Chuck Norris

There is no such thing as rebels against the Empire…just people with short lifes.

Darth Maul does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Darth Maul goes killing.

The chief export of Darth Vader is death.

Count Dooku sleeps with a night light. Not because Count Dooku is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Count Dooku.

If you want a list of the Jabba the Hutt's enemies, just check the extinct planets list.

Vader invented a language that incorporates the dark side and torture methods. So the next time Vader's force choking you to death, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Palpatine got a perfect score on his exams simply by writing „The Emperor" for every answer. Why? Because The Emperor is never wrong!

Lord Vader puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Darth Vader once won the Galactic Idol contest by reading the back of a cereal box with his trademark deep voice. Oh, he also used the Force a little.

Lord Vader doesn't give Christmas presents to his subordinates. If they live to see Christmas, that is their Christmas present from Vader.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Asajj Ventress' lightsaber.

Vader doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Darth Vader can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

When General Grievous sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched, with all his lightsabers in attack position. Grievous has not had to pay taxes ever.


	4. Chapter 4: The Chuck Norris Menace

Palpatine died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Darth Maul does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't torture me." Too bad Tarkin doesn't believe in magic.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to the Emperor and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Darth Vader doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Palpatine.

Darth Vader doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Grand Moff Tarkin. (_A small reference to his own quote: Rule through the fear of force rather than force itself_)

The Emperor's only mistake was when he thought he made a mistake.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Darth Vader.

General Grievous plays Galactic Roulette with a fully loaded pack of lightsabers... and wins.

They once tried to charge Darth Vader with attempted murder, but the judge quickly dropped the charges because Vader doesn't "attempt" murder.

The saddest moment for a child in the galaxy is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Darth Vader is.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Palpatine. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine credits to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

The average Jedi can throw a stone 7 metres in the air. Darth Vader can throw the average Jedi even further.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Darth Vader.


	5. Chapter 5: Attack of Chuck Norris

Halley's comet doesn't exist. It is just the waiter who didn't get Vader his drink quick enough.

When Count Dooku exits a room he doesn't turn the lights off, he turns the dark on.

If you rearrange the letters in "LORD VADER" you get "FORCE CHOKED". No, it's not an anagram, it's a warning.

How many Grievous' does it take to screw a lightbulb? None. Because the simple notion of General Grievous made the lightbulb screw itself.

Nothing can escape black holes, not even light. Except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat an Idiot's Array at Sabacc.

Darth Vader doesn't mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

Google won't search for Vader, because it knows you won't find Vader. He finds you.

There are no weapons of mass destruction on Bothawui, the Emperor lives on Coruscant.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Vader touches turns up dead.

When Vader jumps in the pool, he doesn't get wet; the water gets Vader-ed.

James Cameron wanted Darth Maul to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There is no 'ctrl' button on the Emperor's computer. The Emperor is always in control.

The most prolific murderer in history claims to killed more than 400 people in her lifetime. Darth Vader calls this "a slow Tuesday".

Tarkin's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, because nobody fools Tarkin.

A Sith Lord does not eat food. Food understands that the only safe haven from the Sith Lord's wrath is inside his own body.


End file.
